Ah planes, the Walmarts of the sky. I once sat aboard a crowded plane. It was a long flight. Unfortunately for me, I was assigned the middle seat. A stern heavyset woman wearing large boots sat to my right. She was sassy; she was only content when things were going her way. A man wearing a tight Thundercats shirt sat to my left, his belly poking out of the bottom. He wheezed and stretched every 14 seconds. I named him “Old Faithful.” His skin seemed to be covered in some type of moisture. To this day I am unsure whether it was sweat. The plane was ready to take off and it was time to fly through the sky. Just before we began moving, “Old Faithful” turned to me and asked, “Do you believe in God?”
Here are some tips on how to behave properly on the plane:
How To Behave On A Plane Tip 1: Tame your child.
My opinion may be slightly biased due to my hatred of children. I have never liked kids; I actually don’t even like most people my age (22). However, I truly despise crying babies. They are useless creatures. They can’t even walk or feed themselves and I’m pretty sure that half the time, they don’t even know why they’re crying. All I’m saying is that it is unfair to me to have to sit in an enclosed area of which I cannot escape from, and listen to your child whine for attention. I am proposing a solution: I think we should develop a soundproof room aboard the plane, and we can just put the kids in there. They can roam freely, bounce off walls, and do whatever it is that kids do.
How To Behave On A Plane Tip 2: Don’t talk to me
Don’t talk to me on a plane. While I am not an unfriendly person, I do not care about the things you will say. Don’t show me a picture of your cat. I don’t care what you do for a living. Oh, you’re going through a divorce? That is unfortunate; I still don’t care. The effort that it takes for me to play along with whatever it is you are droning on and on about seems similar to the pain and exhaustion of running a marathon. Just let me sit amongst everyone, and leave me alone with my awesome thoughts.
How To Behave On A Plane Tip 3: Bathe
Why do you smell? I just don’t understand it. You can afford the absurd prices of plane tickets, so I know you have access to a shower. Yet, you still smell. I don’t even know how to describe your smell. It’s as if you had just dined on an exotic cheese plate. Didn’t anyone teach you that any amount of cheese consumption prior to a social situation is too much cheese? The nerve of some people.
Jump back to “Old Faithful’s” question, “Do you believe in God?” This is genuinely the creepiest question that someone can ask another, just before your plane is about to take off. I answered with a sly joke, “Well, I had a Bar Mitzvah but I was in it for the money!” This was a huge mistake. “Old Faithful” let out a wheezing chuckle and proceeded to try and convert me to Christianity for the next three hours as a baby cried and the stern woman slurped loudly on a fresh cup of tomato juice. If you plan on taking a flight adventure anytime soon, please keep these tips in mind for the sake of keeping those around you sane.